Evil Can Get Sexual Too!
by ScreamChosen
Summary: A funny, semishort fic about Angelus calling Buffy one night, trying to mess with her head. Based on a song. Made for humor only, no seriousness! Oneshot


**WARNING: MINOR SEXUAL CONTENT AND MINOR STRONG LANGUAGE. **

**(This fic is to NOT be taken seriously, again! Its during Buffy season 5, and I don't care what Angel season. I wasn't a huge fan of his show. I don't own Say Anything's "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too" or anything else in the story, so please, no suing. : )**

_//If I die and go to hell real soon,  
it will appear to me as this room.  
And for eternity I'd lay in bed  
in my boxers, half stoned,  
with the pillow under my head.//_

Angelus laid in Angels bed, barely dressed. He wanted to torture his beloved slayer over the phone before he saw her in person. Picking up the cordless phone, he dialed, and waited. What more could he ask for?

_---Ring! Ring! Ring!---_

_**How long does it take to answer the phone? Pick up! **_

Angelus was getting bored waiting, but he wasn't giving up yet. Then he heard a click.

Someone answered!

"Hello?"

It was Buffy's voice.

"Hey, Buffy. Its me, Angel.."

_** Angel...US! **_

"Oh, hey, Angel! What's up?"

_** Hm..that's strange. She's acting as if she just saw Angel and the fact that they hadn't seen each other in two years wasn't effecting her. Why do I love this...slayer? **_

"I just wanted to call, to see how you were doing. And...talk to you."

"About what?"

"Anything. Everything."

"That's..wow. Did you ever sense that my sister was a key?"

_** What in hell..? **_

"N...o not really."

"Oh. Well, she is."

_//I'd be chatting on the inter-web;  
maggots pray upon the living dead.  
I had no interest in the things she said.  
On the phone every day,  
I'll permanently hit the hay.//_

"Yes, well, thank you for that information. How 'bout I ask you a few questions?"

"Sure!"

She answered all too cheerfully.

"Well, its nice to know you'll comply. You ready?"

"Yes, Angel."

"Okay, then. Tell me..what color underwear are you wearing?"

"Hm..Pink!"

"Lacy?"

"Of course!"

_** Why isn't she suspicious? I wonder if she likes this.. **_

_//I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep.//_

"Rub your thigh."

She did as he said and he couldn't help but stifle a laugh. He could hear material rustling and he knew she was doing as he commanded. This was a complete and utter trip.

"Angel, why am I doing this?"

"Because I like it. Shut up and do as I say."

"Okay. Are you mad at me?"

"No, just continue."

"Okay."

After a few minutes, he was getting bored. It was time to try more.

"How do you feel?"

"My hand is tired."

"That's okay. Its expected."

_//At this rate,  
I'll be heading for electric chairs.  
I'm only human with my cross to bear.  
When she described her underwear  
I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old schul.//_

"What now, Angel?"

"Tell me what you're wearing."

"Wearing?"

She looked down at her clothes.

"Clothes."

He growled inwardly and nodded.

"Yes, I know, clothes, but what clothes?"

"A short pink skirt, and a pretty white tank top. Why?"

"Are you wearing a bra?"

"Yes."

"What color?"

"Red."

"Lacy?"

"Yeah."

He growled and smirked, absolutely loving where this was going.

"Cup one of your breasts."

"Which one?"

"Whichever one you want."

She grabbed her left breast with her left hand.

"Now what."

"Rub."

_//You're too young to be this empty girlI'll prepare you for a sick dark world  
Know that you'll be my downfall.  
But I call and I call and I call.//_

She did as he said, rubbing her breast, but not feeling much because of her layers of clothing.

"How do you feel?"

"Okay. I mean, I don't feel much."

"What? After our first time together, your breasts are void of any feeling?"

"No, its just that. Its not the same as if someone was doing it for me."

"Well, that's different."

"I know."

_** God,**__**is she retarded or something now? Why does she sound like a robot? **_

"Buffy, what makes you feel good?"

"Someone touching me...down there."

"Down where?"

"My feet!"

"You've...got a feet fetish?"

_** Ugh, Angel shouldn't have left her with the fish boy from Iowa. I bet he fucks his cows.. **_

_//I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep./_/

"No, silly! I like my feet getting massaged."

"Well, who massages your feet?"

He really didn't care. This wasn't turning out the way he planned it to.

"Spike!"

_** WHAT?! **_

His blood boiled. Spike even nearing Buffy angered him. He hoped he hadn't gotten anymore then just being her bitch.

"What do you mean Spike? I hope that means you just got him pussy-whipped."

"Ew, Angel! I never got my pussy-whipped by Spike!"

_** Now, THAT was gross. **_

"That wasn't what I asked. What's wrong with you Buffy?"

_//I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want.  
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet)  
I don't know what I want. (Then I lied about it)  
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet)  
I don't know what I want. (Then I lied about it.)//_

"Nothing Angel. Oh! Did you know that Spike has very nice washboard abs?"

"What in hell are you babbling about, slayer? You better not be fucking Spike!"

"Fucking Spike? Of course! That's my reason for existing."

"God, help me. God help Spike! Im going to go down to Sunny-hell and kill him!"

"No, you cant! I love him!"

Buffy walked past her bedroom, and saw the Buffy-bot on her phone, in her room.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Angelus' eyes widened. Why did that sound like Buffy talking in the background...when who he was talking to...was Buffy?

"Who are you on the phone with?"

"Oh, shit."

And Angelus hung up.

Buffy snatched the phone from the Buffy-bot and brought it to her ear, listening.

"Hello? Hello?"

There was no answering.

"Buffy! It was Angel! I was telling him how Spike and I fuck and about Spike's washboard abs."

Buffy rolled her eyes and groaned. Now Angel thought _she_ was fucking his worst enemy.

Great.

Angelus laid back on the bed, laying with wide eyes. What was the world coming to?

_//I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
She touched herself. She touched herself.  
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep._

(Woah!) I called her on the phone (Woah!) and she touched herself.  
(Woah!) She touched herself. (Woah!) She touched herself.  
(Woah!) I called her on the phone (Woah!) and she touched herself.  
I laughed myself to sleep.//


End file.
